As a parent I believe in allowing consequences to teach my children when they make bad choices.  Of course, I would stop the action if I believed the consequences would cause them any harm.  I feel that the best lessons are learned by our mistakes and the results.

Today AJ had to face consequences.  As is typical of the mornings, she wasted her time and didn’t focus on getting ready.  By the time she started getting dressed, she only had 5 minutes.  She managed to get her clothes on and was putting on her shoes when I told her to get in the car.  She pulled them on and waited until she was in the car to tie them.

Once we were in the car and on the way to school, AJ realizes that she is wearing the wrong shoes.  The girls attend a private school so have a very strict dress code.  On PE day’s they are allowed to wear whatever tennis shoes they chose but during the other days they are required to wear either navy blue or black dress shoes.  This was not her PE day, but she had chosen the hot pink tennis shoes.  Her correct shoes were still at home and there were no other shoes in the car.

AJ asked me to go home to get them.  We had left the house later than we should have as it was and I had an appointment that I would have been late for if I had gone home.  But even if those two facts had not been the case, my choice would have been the same.  It was too late.

I let her know that I was not going to go back to the house.  She asked me “why” and I explained that she picked the wrong shoes because she had waited until the last minute to get dressed  Since she was rushing she made the mistake.  If she had started getting dressed earlier, she would have had more time to think about what she was doing and would have realized before we left.  She was going to have to face the consequences of being out of uniform at school.

AJ was not happy with me and kept insisting that we return home, she began crying.  When we were almost at school, I asked AJ what she thought was the worst thing would happen since she was wearing the wrong shoes.  We talked about the fact that she might be in trouble at school and what that would be like.  I assured her that if she was in trouble at school for being in the wrong shoes that she would not be in trouble again with me at home this afternoon.  That the consequences that she had from me was to face the consequences at school.

I dropped them off at school, thinking that she would try to keep her teachers from seeing the wrong shoes in the hopes that she would not be in trouble.  She made a very different choice.  Instead of trying to hide her shoes, she walked to the outside of the door into the cafeteria (where the kids meet before school starts) and proceeds to cry.  As I drive away (feeling a bit like a mean mom) one of her teachers is over talking to her.

When I picked her up after school I asked if she had gotten in trouble over having on the wrong shoes.  She said no, and there were no notes from the teacher about the shoes.

Apparently, her choice to cry over the shoes won her the sympathy vote.  I only hope that the time she spent worrying about the consequences at school will be enough to prevent her from repeating the mistake.

One of the most amazing things I think there is about raising kids is watching them learn things.  I was always interested in those TV shows where an alien came to earth in human form. It was fascinating to watch them discover all of the things that exist that we take for granted.  Watching my kids learn about things is just as fascinating to me.  They are like those aliens that don’t know about anything and have to learn it all.

One of the most challenging concepts to both of them at this point is the difference between all of the various coins.  So they call them all pennies. 

The other day we had one of our typical sister arguments which started with Vera picking up a “penny” from the floor.  I was in another room and did not witness the event.  AJ (who typical reacts very emotionally to everything and can’t start with a calm request) immediately yells “Mommy, Vera took my penny”.  I tell Vera to return the penny.  I am getting ready for work so can’t moderate the issue at that point.  AJ tells me that she didn’t give it back and I tell her to get ready for school and I will work it out when I am done.  Surprisingly she does this with very little argument.

AJ reminds be about the penny a little while later, knowing that they struggle with types of coins and names I ask AJ if it was a penny or not.  She isn’t sure so I ask her to show me a coin like it.  She brings me a quarter.  Now I am not sure if that is because it was really a quarter or because she knows that the quarter is worth the most.  So I ask again and this time she tells me it was really a penny.

I ask Vera about it and she says that the penny was on her floor not AJ’s. I confront them both since one of them has to be telling a fib because the penny could not have been in both floors.

(The house rules are that you are not allowed to blame others.  If I asked who did something and it wasn’t you, I expect you to remain silent.  I should only get a response from the child who did it.  I got very tired of the blame game where they both consistently insisted that the other child did whatever was being addressed.)

As they both start saying “not me” or “it was —–” I remind them of the rule and let them know that I will get the penny out of Vera’s room and keep it if the person who is telling the fib doesn’t admit to it.  It only take a couple of beats before Vera says “It’s me.  It was in AJ’s floor.”  This was a very proud moment as I felt victory that hopefully these are life lessons and as they grow older they will remember that they shouldn’t blame others and should admit when they have made a mistake or done something wrong.

Now, the question comes back to exactly what kind of coin it was that was taken.  So I get one of each type from my wallet and lay them on the kitchen table.  I ask Vera to tell me which one she took and she points to the Quarter!  AJ was right the first time.

I retrieve the quarter from Vera’s room and return it to AJ.  Problem solved, at least for the moment.

Off we went yesterday to a birthday party for one of Vera’s friends.  It was being held at a local park.  I try to be prepared and the last party that happened at that park was on a rainy day.  I thought ahead and brought a change of clothes for each of the kids so that they could get wet and change in to dry clothes whenever they were ready. 

I was not as thoughtful this time.  It wasn’t raining yesterday, but it did rain the day before and there were strategically placed puddles all over the playground.  I of course gave the obligatory warning that they were to stay out of the water.  They responded as was to be expected by heading directly to the nearest puddle and jumping right in.

I monitored the activities and as long as they were just getting a little wet I overlooked it but occasionally would jump in to stop over the top splashing or soaking in the water. At one point I looked up and Vera was sitting on the edge of one of the jungle gyms with her legs hanging over.  There was a boot on one foot and the other only had a sock.  I told her to put her missing shoe on.  The response was for her to jump sock footed into the puddle, at which point I realize that the boot was laying in a puddle.  She picks up the shoe and then runs to the back of the jungle gym, climbs up and sits where she was originally.  Thinking the problem is resolved, I resumed my conversation.

I minute or so later, I look over to ensure that she has succeeded in getting her boot on, only to see her sitting again with one boot on and one boot off.  This time, I see the boot laying in the puddle.  I tell her again to put her boot back on and let her know that if it lands in the puddle again she would spend some time “sitting out” of the party.  She jumps down, grabs her boot and once again runs to the back of the jungle gym to take a seat in the same spot as she was the last two times.

I get distracted again for a few seconds, and when I look again I am shocked to see that she has for the third time managed to have her boot land in the puddle.  When I (now frustrated) tell her to get the boot on, she explains to me that someone else (who was on the platform with her) was the one that threw it in the water this time. She picks it up for the last time (ensuring that she gets as much water as possible in her boot during the process) and finally manages to get the boot back on her foot.

The remainder of the party, she complains about the wet socks and shoes.  Hmmm, maybe next time she will avoid the puddles.  But then again, probably not.

I learned about the phenomenon that I have dubbed the tour of bathrooms when I was potty training AJ.  It became clear that something had to change when what should have been a 10-15 minute trip to the store turned into a 45 minute trip because AJ HAD to go to the bathroom four times.  Now I figured after the first trip that she didn’t really have to go but she insisted that she was going to “pee in her pants” if I didn’t take her.  When I attempted to tell her no she began screaming that the had to go potty so loudly that everyone around us could here her.  So faced with the judgment I assumed everyone around me was making about what a bad parent I was for not taking my child to the bathroom I gave in.  Three times!

This was the point at which I decided that I was going to have to deal with any real or perceived judgment and limit bathroom stops to once per trip.  At least then I could be confident in the fact that I had let them go and that the chances that the really have to go again was slim. 

I have discovered a couple of things about young girls and bathrooms.  That they seem to have an obsession with seeing the bathroom in every store that we go to.  I am not sure why there is such an attraction but I am pretty sure I have visited the bathroom in every store we have been to more than once.  The other one is that the bathroom card is played when they are bored.  if we have been shopping too long and they are tired of sitting in the grocery cart or the current activity has become boring but they don’t see a natural end to it they will suddenly go from being fine to desperately having to go to the bathroom.  I have tested my theory by distracting them with a new subject or different activity.  I have timed each of them from the point that they were “desperate” to when they actually used the bathroom at several hours.  Proving my theory that it is a tactic to change activities. 

I hope that they find a new obsession as they get older as I can think of a vast number of things that I would rather view different versions of than a bathroom. 

One of the things that I do with the girls that often becomes an adventure is a trip to the store. This has improved over time but it has been quite the event in the past. I will apologize to all of the other patrons of the various stores that I have victimized in the past. My girls (thankfully) seem to tag team so I rarely have to deal with the worst behavior from both of them at the same time. But each one has taken their turn being heard melting down over something that they wanted across the entire store.

They have each chosen (on more than one occasion) a store in which to have a complete melt down. Once the melt down starts I am left with three choices, give in to whatever is creating the meltdown, leave the store, or let it run it’s course.

I will not give in! I have suffered the consequences of my weak moments when I have chosen not to fight a battle on which I should have stood strong. In every case I have ultimately had to start from scratch to end the behavior. So I have learned to fight the battle at the beginning to prevent a future fight.

I won’t leave the store (which I am sure most people would prefer and I apologize profusely for disturbing your peaceful shopping trip). There are really two reasons why this is the case. The first is that this solution really only punishes me as I am the one that will pay the price for not completing the trip. They aren’t going to get what they want either way but if I leave, then I am not going to get what we need. The second (which is related to the first) is that as a single working mom, with two active kids who need a good night’s sleep in order to manage their behavior I have very few opportunities during the week to do my shopping. Typically the time I have selected is the only opportunity during the week that I can do the shopping. So leaving the store will leave us without the things we need.

So I chose to either ignore the behavior or institute consequences (loss of privileges). I have found that the emotional outburst are usually too deep in order to get them to calm down and remain calm with the use of consequences. I will finish the trip as quickly as possible and live without things that we don’t require until the next trip.

So the next time you hear the kid screaming from across the store while you are trying to complete your shopping, I will hope that it is not mine.

It has been a “slow news” couple of days.  Mostly “normal” days with no outstanding silly or “how am I going to survive raising children” stories so I figured I would do an update on how AJ is doing. 

Things have settled to what I would still classify as having a teenager in the house, but at this point she is just feeding the chip on her shoulder and not challenging me at every turn.  I am hoping that this is a sign of disgruntled acceptance that she does have to follow the house rules and just maybe I am the parent and not her.  Time will tell but I am happy that I am not constantly discovering a new way she has found to break the rules without me knowing and racking my brain to figure out how to outsmart her.

I do think I have learned a lot over the last couple weeks.  Hopefully the lessons will help me when they are teenagers as I think I will question what they tell me a little more and check up behind them a little more frequently.

I do need to thank our amazing therapist who is available to validate that I am getting it right or redirect me if I need to adjust my approach.  This time she confirmed that I should keep up what I am doing.  It is always a relief to have an expert back you up.  Thank you!!

Apparently my six year old turned sixteen in the last week.  I have had it all, slammed doors, stomping feet, grunting, telling me no, walking around with a chip on her shoulder.  She has tested me at every turn, taken every opportunity she could find to take control of the situation.  All I have to say is “wow”. 

My challenge appears to be maintaining my composure and keeping my cool in the face of her attempts to prove that she will do whatever she pleases.  So far I have won the battles, but that just seems to be making her attitude worse.  I am holding on to the hope that she will eventually get tired and accept that she is not the one in charge. Wish me luck!

The creamer has been safely hidden and the rule that AJ cannot get anything out of the refrigerator is in place.  So tonight I was getting ready to tuck her in bed.  She asked if she could go get some water so I let her go into the kitchen to get it.  She was taking longer than expected which was typical.  I called a couple of times for her to hurry up but she still was not coming.  So I decided to check on her.  When I walked into the kitchen she was closing the refrigerator door.  She turned from the fridge and opened the pantry.  I walked up to the pantry and opened the door and found her pouring syrup into her mouth. 

Thinking it is time to lock down the entire kitchen. 

I thought today I would catch up on some of the old stories of the funny things the girls have done.  So I am going to pick on them both.

When AJ was around 3 years old, there were several adults sitting in the living room.  She had been off playing and came into the living room licking her lips and saying that the chocolate was good.  I looked at her thinking she had to be pretending because certainly I hadn’t left chocolate in her reach.  I am fairly conservative when it comes to sweets and still don’t leave things where they can reach them except on rare occasions.  So we all laughed with her and assumed it was pretend.  She leaves and returns a few minutes later licking her lips again and telling us how good the chocolate was.  This time there was a dark spot on her mouth that did look like chocolate.  I was beginning to be convinced that she really had found chocolate somewhere, but where could it be.  So the next time she left the room, I followed her.  She walked to the refrigerator and took out the chocolate syrup and squeezed some in her mouth.  She was indeed enjoying the chocolate.

For Vera’s story I think she was only 2.  She loved strawberries so I usually had some around.  One day I was in my bedroom and the girls were playing in another room.  I came out of my bedroom to find her standing in the hallway holding the entire container (which was full when she got it) of strawberries.  She had one in her hand and there were only a few left in the container.  But there was a trail of half eaten strawberries down the hall and all the way back to the fridge.

Needless to say, I invested in one of the refrigerator child locks.